Speaking as a Scot, a European, and an avowed Francophile, AnElephantCant refrain from commenting briefly on this weekend’s Ryder Cup competition.
Where the Europeans recovered from a seemingly impossible position to defeat the mighty USA.
AnElephant offers sympathy and commiserations to his badly spelled chms (see, no ‘u’!) with this charming little ditty in schoolboy French.
On a gagne
Le doigt sur le nez
On a perdu
Le doigt dans le cul
Which loosely translates as ‘Nah nah nah nah nah!’
But AnElephant was especially intrigued by the fact that, after 3 days, 28 matches, and 72 (?) rounds of golf, as the last two men stood on the final green of the final match the Ryder Cup could still have been tied.
In fact, Mr Woods turned out to be more Tigger than Tiger and Francesco Molinari gained the half point that meant the good guys won by 14.5 to 13.5.
But to avoid the unsatisfactory possibility of a drawn match, AnElephant has a suggestion.
This is based on a deep understanding of many different sports and cultures.
(Well, he’s no’ bad at dominoes.)
In Galway City a number of years ago he had the good misfortune to witness a Gaelic Football Match.
After perhaps 10 minutes of watching this barely legal carnage, where seemingly vast numbers of red-headed men with blue-white skin charged around felling each other with complete disregard for personal safety or the ball, he asked his companion what on earth was going on.
‘Ah now, replied Joseph, ‘There are only two rules. Either the man can go past you or the ball can go past you but not both.’
And there you have it.
In Scotland we have a ‘sport’ called Shinty.
It resembles in bloodshed the Irish game of Hurling.
Now both of these look to the untutored eye very much like the above mentioned Gaelic Football but with the participants armed with long lethal clubs to lighten the mood.
So what your peace-loving Elephant suggests is that in the event of a tie in the Ryder Cup there should be a ‘sudden death’ play-off or shoot-out.
Shoot-out here is probably less of the Football (soccer to the colonials) Penalty variety and more the OK Corral scenario.
And ‘sudden death’ may be almost literal.
Yep, each of the 24 contestants selects the club of his choice and makes his way onto the first tee.
At the same time.
A golf ball is provided and the winner is whoever can reach the green and put the ball in the little hole.
(Speaking of which, wouldn’t it make more sense to make the holes bigger? Might stop some of the tantrums, bad language and club throwing if they were, say, a foot and a half across.)
There is only one rule in this play-off.
And that was it.
Anyway who wouldn’t have paid good money in the past to see some large chap in a very colourful and tasteless outfit whaling on Nick Faldo with a 9-iron?
No offence, Nick, but you did leap to mind immediately!
To close, AnElephantCant avoid paying tribute to Seve Ballesteros, who died last year.
Seve was an inspiration in life, transforming the Ryder Cup almost single-handedly into a real competition, and an emotional inspiration to the Europeans this weekend.
AnElephantCant use the word hero
He knows such a burden is heavy
Over his many years
He has shed very few tears
But he bows his great head for our Seve
This man was much more than a golfer
AnElephantCant hide his admiration
He played with a smile
With flair and great style
His whole life was joyful inspiration
Gracias, amigo, vaya con dios