AnElephantCant explain to all non-Scots
The peculiarities of our native culture
But there is always a chance
If you go to a dance
You might meet some demented half-starved weird-looking vulture
His opening gambit may well prove a challenge
His patter is limited that is the truth
He may just try to say
Haw hen how’r you the day1
But he may even be somewhat less smooth
(1) Good evening, miss, how do you do?
This may lead depressingly to an exchange along these lines:
Ur ye dancin’? 2
Ur ye askin’?3
Am askin’ 4
Am dancin’ 5
(2) Do you perchance have an opening in your schedule for the duration of this waltz?
(3) Are you requesting that I accompany you onto the dance floor?
(4) I would be honoured if you would so do.
(5) Then I am happy to accede to your wishes in this matter.
And eventually to:
See you, hen, yir wan in a million6
Uh huh so ur yir chances7
(6) You are quite an exceptional young lady
(7) I hope that you do not expect that mere flattery will cause me to swoon into your manly embrace
So it is nice to know romance is not quite dead
Or as we say here it isnae yet deid
If our dancing lady was dumber
Yir man might get a lumber8
But very soon she will be nippin’ his heid9
(8) The gentleman may be accorded the privilege of escorting the lady to her place of residence
(9) But, alas, in a very short time she may begin to irritate him
Haud yir wheesht hen yir daein’ ma nut in10
The ba’s on the slates the gemme is a bogey11
Gauny gie’s peace, gauny12
Awa’ n make us a saunnie13
Yir jaikit’s on a nail that looks shoogly14
(10) Kindly desist from your constant chatter, my sweet, I grow weary of it
(11) Things are not looking so good
(12) Kindly try not to increase my vexation
(13) And perhaps you might see your way to preparing a small snack
(14) It seems that the hook whereon your jacket hangs has the appearance of being somewhat unreliable (your days are numbered!)
And so life goes on.
Perhaps they may meet again some years later:
AnElephant remarked to a lady acquaintance
That her wrinkles now look like a frown
She said I had a hard life
Remember I was your wife
They are laughter lines because I married a clown
Clearly AnElephant is not an expert
He is about 115 years old
Ladies have come and gone
He now lives on his own
Perhaps he should have learned to do just what he was told
Any Scot reading this will probably recognise that AnElephant has cheerfully plagiarised (that is to say adapted) for the initial conversation (way up top) some of the early jokes of Mr William Connolly, whose involuntary contribution is hereby gratefully acknowledged.
Cheers, Big Yin!